Small Talk With Your In-Laws: What to Talk About When You've Run Out of Easy Questions

Quick answer: what to talk about with your in-laws

Small talk with in-laws is hard for a different reason than small talk with strangers. You already know each other. You see them a few times a year, the easy questions ran out years ago, and every visit starts with the same three lines in the hallway.

The fix is continuity. Ask one question about something they told you last time, one about what is going on now, and one about something coming up. We call this Last, This, Next:

• Last: "How did the kitchen tiles turn out in the end?"
• This: "What's keeping you busy this month?"
• Next: "Are you two still planning that trip to the lakes in spring?"

To make "Last" possible, write three short notes on your phone after each visit: one thing they're working on, one thing they're worried or excited about, one name they mentioned. Next time you walk in with a real question instead of "So, how have you been?"

Then find a shared task: drying dishes, walking the dog, a jigsaw, the photo album. In-law talk flows better side by side than face to face. Below you'll find openers for each in-law, a plan for a multi-day holiday visit, lines for the questions you always get, three worked scenes, and a pocket card. There is also a check of the most-shared in-law statistic, the "20% divorce" number, which says less than the headlines claim.

Meeting them for the first time? That's a different job. See our guide to meeting your partner's family for the first time. This page is for the visits after that: the tenth Thanksgiving, the Sunday lunch, the week at their house in summer.

Why in-law small talk is its own skill

An in-law is a close relative you didn't choose and didn't grow up with. Terri Orbuch and her co-authors call in-law ties "involuntary ties, which are created through marriage", and note that some spouses never feel truly comfortable with them. Mixed feelings are normal here: in a study of 1,599 adult children, Andrea Willson, Kim Shuey and Glen Elder found more ambivalence toward in-laws than toward their own parents, and more ambivalence between women (a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law, for example).

That's worth saying out loud, because many people take the awkwardness as a sign that something is wrong. Usually it isn't. You are trying to be family with people whose jokes, habits and history you only half know. The thin conversations are what that looks like from the inside.

Three findings point to what helps:

• Time with each other, not only with your partner in the room. Karen Fingerman and colleagues followed 60 families in the Indianapolis area, each an engaged couple plus both of their mothers (240 people), with interviews before the wedding and again 6 to 8 months after it. When the future in-laws had individual contact with one another and positive feelings before the wedding, their ties were stronger afterwards. The researchers deliberately separated contact with the partner present from contact alone, since in-laws often see each other only because of the person they share.
• Support and a little openness. In a study of 190 daughters-in-law, Christine Rittenour and Jordan Soliz looked at supportive communication, self-disclosure and "nonaccommodation" (talking past each other instead of adjusting to one another), and how they related to the feeling of being one family. A later study of 624 daughters-in-law found that the relationship felt worse when a mother-in-law's support and openness about the family fell short of what the daughter-in-law hoped for.
• Being let in, without gossip. In a study of 107 newlyweds, Mary Claire Morr Serewicz and Daniel Canary found that in-laws' disclosures signalling acceptance went with better relationships, and "slanderous" disclosures about other family members went with worse ones. Newlyweds who felt more like part of the in-law family were more satisfied with their in-laws.

The research has limits. Most of it is from the US, most of it studies mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, and it measures association, not cause. But it agrees with common sense: small, regular, friendly contact builds the tie, and joining in on criticism of the family wears it down.

The "20% divorce" claim, traced

If you search for in-law advice, you will meet this line within minutes: men who are close to their wife's parents are 20% less likely to divorce, and women who are close to their husband's parents are 20% more likely to divorce. It came out in late November 2012, just before the holidays, and has been repeated ever since. Here is what the study actually found.

Where it started. The Wall Street Journal ran it on November 27, 2012 (Elizabeth Bernstein's column, as cited by the Advisory Board's daily briefing the next day). HuffPost's version the same day called it "a 26-year longitudinal study" and said that when a wife was close to her husband's parents, "the couple's risk of divorce increased by 20 percent." The Advisory Board said 16 years and described the study as "soon to be published" in Family Relations.

The paper. Terri Orbuch, José Bauermeister, Edna Brown and Brandyn-Dior McKinley, "Early Family Ties and Marital Stability Over 16 Years: The Context of Race and Gender", Family Relations, published online March 4, 2013 (full text on PubMed Central).

Verdict: half true. The husband half matches the paper, as an association in one 1986 Michigan sample. The wife half doesn't: the paper never reports a 20% rise for wives, the rise it does find applies to White wives only, and across all wives closeness went with lower odds. "26 years" is wrong for this paper; it covered 16. The press stories ran three months before the paper appeared, so reporters may have had an earlier analysis. The published paper is the version anyone can check. This claim now sits with 22 others on our small talk statistics, traced page.

The authors' reading of the White-wives result is about boundaries, not warmth: close in-law ties early on "may be interpreted as interference." A 2026 paper from the same project, by Rosie Shrout and colleagues including Orbuch, found that in the years when a marriage was struggling, family support helped protect it and family tension made things worse. An older study by Chalandra Bryant, Rand Conger and Jennifer Meehan, of couples married almost two decades, found that wives' discord with their parents-in-law predicted how successful they later felt their marriage was.

What this means for you: nothing here says that being friendly with your in-laws is risky. Conflict is what hurts, and a warm tie with clear limits is what helps. Small talk is how you build the warm part.

Last, This, Next: the method

This is our own working method, not a tested one. It builds on one solid finding: in three studies of live conversations, Karen Huang and colleagues found that people who asked more questions, "particularly follow-up questions", were better liked. With in-laws, the best follow-up questions follow up on the last visit, not just the last sentence.

Last: pick up a thread from the previous visit

This is the step that makes in-laws feel known, and it's the one almost nobody takes.

• "Last time you were fighting with the gutters. Who won?"
• "Did your friend's hip surgery go all right?"
• "You were halfway through that detective series. Did the ending hold up?"
• "How's the new choir? You'd only been twice when we last saw you."

If you can't remember anything, ask your partner on the way there: "What's going on with your mum at the moment?" That counts.

This: what's happening now

Keep it concrete. "How are you?" invites "Fine." A question about this week or this month gets a real answer.

• "What's the best thing that's happened since summer?"
• "What's keeping you busy at the moment?"
• "How's the garden coping with the cold?"
• "What are you reading or watching that's actually good?"

Next: something coming up

Questions about the future are light, hopeful and easy to answer. They also give you your "Last" question for the next visit.

• "Anything you're looking forward to this winter?"
• "Are you doing anything for your birthday this year?"
• "What's the plan for the garden next spring?"
• "Any trips on the horizon?"

The three-line note

After each visit, write three lines in your phone under their names. For example:

Linda: retiling the kitchen herself, worried about her sister's move, new friend from aqua aerobics called Marge.

Tom: restoring a 1970s bike, annoyed about the council's parking plan, wants to see the coast in May.

It takes a minute in the car, and it changes the next visit. People notice when you remember the name of their friend from aqua aerobics.

What to talk about with each in-law

Most guides give one list of "safe topics" for all in-laws. But your sister-in-law is not your father-in-law. Pick the row for the person in front of you.

Who	A good opener	Ask them to show or teach you	Go easy on
Mother-in-law	"What did you make that time we came at Easter? I've thought about it since."	A recipe, a family tradition, how she did something when the kids were small	Asking for or giving parenting advice when nobody asked
Father-in-law	"Sam says the bike is nearly done. Can I see it?"	His project, his tool, his route, his team	Forced banter about a sport you don't follow
The quiet in-law	"What's been the best part of your week?"	Something they made or grew	Filling every pause for them
Sister- or brother-in-law	"What were you two like as kids, honestly?"	Their work, their city, their kids, their show	Taking sides in old sibling arguments
Your sibling-in-law's partner	"How many of these do you get dragged to a year?"	Their own family's traditions	Comparing the two families
In-laws with a different first language	Learn three words in their language and use them on arrival	Dishes, place names, songs, photos	Speaking faster and louder
Grandparent-in-law	"What was this town like when you first came here?"	Old photos, maps, a family recipe	Talking over them
Step-parents and divorced in-laws	Follow your partner's lead on who's who	What they're into now	Questions about the split

Two notes on the rows.

Fathers-in-law are much less studied than mothers-in-law. One of the few studies, by Geoffrey Greif and Michael Woolley, interviewed sons-in-law and found that the close relationships formed with fathers-in-law who were warm with their daughters, valued family, were well liked and kept boundaries, while the distant ones were marked by a father-in-law who withdrew. It is a small, qualitative study, but it suggests that a quiet father-in-law is often not cold, just not the one who starts conversations. Starting from something he does with his hands is usually the easiest way in.

Mothers-in-law carry the heaviest reputation. The psychologist Terri Apter, for her 2009 book What Do You Want from Me?, spoke with 163 people. As TIME reported in December 2008, more than 60% of the women said friction with their husband's mother had caused them long-term stress, against 15% of the men who said the same of their mother-in-law. That comes from book interviews, not a representative survey. The flash points she found were child care and housework, which is one reason "Go easy on advice" sits in that row.

The photo-album opener (and other ways to talk side by side)

Face-to-face talk with in-laws can feel like an interview. Side by side is easier: two people looking at the same thing, with the thing doing half the talking.

• The photo album: "Is this Sam? How old was he here?" Old photos give a parent the easiest topic they have, and you'll learn the family stories everyone else already knows.
• The kitchen: "Show me how you do the gravy." Asking to be taught is a compliment that doesn't sound like one.
• The walk: "Shall I take the dog round the block? Want to come?" A twenty-minute walk holds more conversation than an hour on the sofa.
• The game or the puzzle: a jigsaw on the table gives everyone something to do with their hands and lets silences be comfortable.
• The job: "Can I help with the leaves?" Raking with a father-in-law is a conversation that doesn't need to be one.

Morr Serewicz and Canary's study suggests one more thing: let them tell you the family stories. Disclosures that signal acceptance went with better in-law relationships, and feeling part of the family went with more satisfaction. Being told the family stories is often how that acceptance shows. Your part is to listen well and keep the stories kind.

The holiday visit, day by day

A three- or four-day stay at the in-laws' is its own event. Conversation has a shape over those days, and it helps to know it. This is our own plan, built from the advice above, not a study.

When	What happens	What helps	A line
Arrival	The hallway questions: the drive, the weather, "you look well"	Have your "Last" question ready before you ring the bell	"Before I forget: did the kitchen tiles work out?"
First evening	Everyone catches up at once	Let your partner have their parents for a bit; talk to whoever is left out	(to the sibling-in-law) "How's the new flat?"
Day 2	The best day: everyone is relaxed	Do one thing alone with one in-law: a walk, a shop run, cooking	"I'll come with you to the market."
The middle-day slump	Talk has run dry, everyone is a bit tired	Bring out a shared task, or take an hour to yourself without apology	"I'm going to read for a bit, shout if you need a hand."
The big meal	Many people, one table, old topics	Ask questions that get stories, not opinions	"What's the best holiday meal anyone here remembers?"
Leaving	Hugs, leftovers, "drive safe"	Say one specific thank-you, then ask a "Next" question	"Thank you for the walk yesterday. Send me a photo when the bike's done."

Taking a break is part of the plan, not a failure. An hour alone in the middle of a long visit usually makes the evening easier for everyone. If you need to turn down a longer stay, a second helping or next year's hosting, our guide to saying no politely has holiday lines.

For the big meal itself, our guides to what to talk about at Thanksgiving and what to talk about at Christmas dinner have table questions and printable cards. If politics comes up, see how to talk to relatives you disagree with.

The questions you always get, and how to answer them

Every family has its repeat questions. Answer short and warm, then hand the turn back.

They ask	A short answer	Hand it back
"So when are you two having kids?"	"Ha, you'll be the first to know when there's news."	"What were you like as new parents?"
"How's work?" (every visit)	One real detail, not "fine": "Busy. We're moving offices, so I'm living in boxes."	"Did you ever have to move a whole office?"
"When are you coming to see us again?"	"We'd love to. Let's look at dates together after dinner."	"Is there a weekend that suits you best?"
"Are you still doing that job?"	Say what you like about it in one line.	"What did you like most about your work?"
"Have you put on weight?" or another remark about looks	"I've been eating well. Speaking of which, this is delicious."	Move to the food or the room
A question you don't want to answer	"That's one for another day." Smile and keep going.	Ask about something they're proud of

If the same question becomes pressure ("You really should have kids before it's too late"), that's no longer small talk. Agree with your partner beforehand who handles it. One simple split: each of you answers for your own parents. In our census of 3,958 Interpersonal Skills questions, family had more boundary questions than any other group, so you are far from alone.

What people ask about in-laws online

For this guide we searched our census of all 3,958 questions on Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange (a public Q&A site, pulled November 3, 2026) for in-laws. 25 questions are about the asker's own in-law relationships. That's too few to count, so read this as a reading of 25 questions, not a study. Bob, the AI agent who runs this site, sorted them by topic from their titles and tags.

• Limits, space and saying no: 6
• Conflict, cutting off or repair: 5
• Criticism or difficult behaviour: 4
• Saying something hard (a worry, a smell, a drinking problem): 4
• Money and gifts: 2
• Pressure about having children: 1
• Something else: 1
• Just wanting to get along or talk more easily: 2

The two most-viewed are about a relative who keeps criticising the asker's house (25,746 views) and a father-in-law who walks into the house unannounced (23,992 views). Only two ask the everyday question this page is about: one person whose partner's mother seemed not to like them and wanted to talk with her better, and one facing a hostile first proper meeting with a mother-in-law.

People go online when it's already gone wrong. The quiet everyday part, the hallway, the kitchen, the third visit this year, rarely gets asked about, but it's where the relationship is built. One answer on the "talk with her better" question, written by a mother-in-law herself, made a point that fits this page well: often it's not about you at all. Another suggested asking the mother for her advice on a gift for her child, or for a place her child loved as a kid. Both are good "This" and "Next" questions. (Questions on Stack Exchange are CC BY-SA; links go to the originals.)

Three worked scenes

These are hypothetical scenes, written to show the rhythm of a whole exchange.

The hallway. Priya arrives at her in-laws' for Christmas. Last summer, her father-in-law Raj told her he'd started making his own chutney.

Raj: "Come in, come in. How was the traffic?"

Priya: "Not bad at all. Before I forget, how did the chutney go? You were on batch two in August."

Raj: "Batch five now. Your mother-in-law says the kitchen smells of vinegar permanently."

Priya: "I want to try batch five. What changed?"

The traffic question got two words. The "Last" question got a story and a joke at his wife's expense that everyone enjoyed. Priya didn't need to be clever; she needed one note on her phone.

The kitchen dry-up. Marco is drying dishes with his mother-in-law, Ann. They've covered the weather and the drive. Silence.

Marco: "Can I ask you something? Elena says you used to do this whole thing on Christmas Eve when she was little. With the candles?"

Ann: "Oh, the walk. We'd walk round the village with lanterns."

Marco: "Do people still do it?"

Ann: "A few. We stopped when the girls got older."

Marco: "We should go this year. I'd like to see it."

He moved from small talk to family history, and then to a "Next" plan. A short pause before he asked is normal; our page on how long an awkward silence really is has what the research says about how long a pause really lasts.

The quiet father-in-law. Jess's father-in-law, Gordon, answers most questions in a word. On day two she asks if he's going to the hardware shop.

Jess: "Mind if I come along? I need a picture hook anyway."

Gordon: "If you like."

(In the car.) Jess: "Kim says you built the shed yourself."

Gordon: "Most of it. My brother helped with the roof."

Jess: "What would you do differently?"

Gordon: (a long pause, then ten minutes on drainage)

The question "what would you do differently?" invites expertise without praise, which suits people who don't like to be flattered. And the car trip gave them time alone, the kind of individual contact Fingerman's study linked to stronger in-law ties. Our guide to people who give short answers has more ways in.

If you're the parent-in-law

The talk goes both ways. If your son or daughter has a spouse you find hard to talk to, the same method works from your side, with three additions:

• Ask about their life, not just your child's. "How's your mum doing?" tells them they matter on their own terms.
• Offer advice only when asked. Apter's flash points (child care and housework) and the "interference" reading in Orbuch's paper both point the same way.
• Make the invitation easy to accept. "Would you like to come to the garden centre with me on Saturday?" gives you the time alone that builds a tie.

In the 2012 coverage, Orbuch's own advice was that parents of sons should be mindful of what a daughter-in-law may read as meddling, and parents of daughters should be open to bonding with their sons-in-law (HuffPost, 2012).

A ten-minute drill before the next visit

Do it on the drive or the train.

1. Ask your partner for the news: "What's going on with your parents and your brother at the moment?"
2. Write one Last, one This and one Next question for each in-law you'll see.
3. Pick one side-by-side activity you'll offer: a walk, a dish, the photo album, a shop run.
4. Agree on the repeat questions: who answers "When are you having kids?", and with which line.
5. Plan your break: when, and how you'll say it.
6. After the visit, write the three-line note for each person while it's fresh, and send one thank-you that names something specific. People underestimate how much a short thank-you means to the person who gets it, according to three experiments by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley.

If one of them has a passion you know nothing about (sourdough, birdwatching, motorbikes), ten minutes of reading turns "Oh, nice" into a real question. NerdSip, a learning app made by ai51, the company that publishes this site, writes a five-minute course on whatever subject you type in, which suits that kind of homework.

The one thing to remember

You don't need better topics with your in-laws. You need to remember. One question about last time, one about now, one about what's next. That shows people you were listening, and over the years it's what turns your partner's parents into your family too.